This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
