Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
