neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
