his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
