Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
