I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
