I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
