I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
