I faked an abortion last night.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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