I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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