YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
So squirting runs in the family.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
