You're completely useless in the revolution.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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