You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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