She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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