And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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