Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
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