the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
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