Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
