He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I AM VODKA MAN
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
