His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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