i just had sex bonerless
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
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