I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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