You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
