I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
