I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
