his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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