I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
