I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Randomize
