I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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