theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Sext me about skeletons
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
