I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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