I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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