Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
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You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
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future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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