I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
