thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
