I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
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