just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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