I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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