I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
