Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Randomize
