Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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