I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
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