I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
