You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
You had me at "let me see your balls"
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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