There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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