the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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