If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
