she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
You were trust falling into bushes
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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