you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
