so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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