You just made me feel so damn special
This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Randomize
