if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
