fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
They are going to name an STD after you.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
