Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Someone shit on the floor
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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