I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
