Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize
