I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
