I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
