His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
How external is "for external use only"?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
